Envisioning

I am on my third cup of tea this morning, sitting on the couch, still in my pajamas. As I raise the mug to my lips, I look across the room at the vision board I began creating last night. It is full of beautiful dusty rose pink colors, inspirational quotes that encourage self-love, grace, and compassion, and a fair amount of tea--all things I hope the next year of my life is full of. What strikes me is how different this vision board is from society's New Year promotions. Last night, as I was waiting in line to check out at Walmart a magazine's headline stuck out. In big, bold, bright lettering it stated, "A New Year, a New You." If you read my last post, you will know that I am entering into this New Year with a newfound grace and compassion towards myself that, quite honestly, surprised me.

This magazine's title really bothered me, because it blatantly suggests that the person I have been for 26 years of my life is not good enough--she needs to be 100% altered in order to be worthy of living into this New Year. This is not true. So, this New Year, 2020, I have made a concentrated effort to approach this life with grace, compassion, and love for myself and for others. I want to find a more whole, healthy, well, and peaceful way of living into this next year. A way of being that I have already begun implementing in my life, long before the clock struck midnight and the dazzling ball dropped. I want all my envisioning for the next year to reflect the beauty, peace, and love that I have already been stepping into but am still desiring more of.

I, like I know so many of us are, am a professional at beating myself up, at making myself feel small, and telling myself I am awful and even unlovable. Rerouting my mindset to self-love and self-compassion has been a top priority for me in the last few years. When I sat down to write my first blog post of the new year and new decade, I was surprised at the words that began flowing. Words of grace, compassion, and kindness. The language I used in my personal journal were a bit harsher, a bit stricter, and a bit more "you need to do and be better." But, as it usually does, writing makes the Truth come out and provides a clarity to what I and perhaps, what others, might need to hear.

I want to write myself out of the narrative society places me in and begin rewriting and envisioning another way of being in this body, in this mind, in this world. Yes, there are some habits that I want to change--scrolling on Instagram and other social media platforms is a big one for me--but I never want my New Year's goal to be about scrapping the person I already am to suddenly do a 180 to become someone completely different.

My journal is full of lists I have begun making in the last week. Lists of not-the-healthiest habits I want to be mindful of, healthy habits I want to foster, and words, phrases, and themes I want to characterize not just this next year, but my whole life. A vision board, with visual representations of these themes and lists, is now sitting in the living room. Blank spaces are available; blank spaces that I intend to fill with more words, quotes, images, and textures in the coming days, weeks, and months. But it will not be perfect and I am learning that it does not have to be nor should it be.

The next year of my life is going to be particularly stressful. A lot of big life changes are on the horizon and if I am being honest, I am a bit afraid of how I am going to handle these changes. Before I get back to the grind of school (my last semester of seminary!!) and begin my internship, I am focusing on my intentions for this next year. I want peace, faith, prayer, centeredness, compassion, love, laughter, joy, vulnerability, and courage to be guiding forces for my life. I want them seep into every fiber of my existence and help me to navigate the big, beautiful, exciting, and intimidating phases of this next year of my life.

How about you start off the New Year by being gentle, kind, compassionate, and loving to yourself? What might this next year be like for you if you scrapped the idea that you need to be an entirely new and different person and simply chose to embrace the imperfect, beautiful, image of God bearer that you are? What if instead of changing you and who you are you simply began altering the guiding forces of your life? What if health became a way of being, a guiding force, rather than you beating yourself up for not being a certain size or a certain way promoted by society? Would that make the New Year less daunting? I am tired of being told by society and media that I am not enough as I am. I just want to pursue another narrative for this one wild and messy life I have been gifted--one that honors my worth as a human being and child of God; one that allows and encourages me to love myself as I am while also creating space for me to continue to pursue the things that will make me a more joyful, faithful, and whole human.

I am letting myself off the hook--this year and this life is not about perfection it is about wholeness, respect, compassion, love, and grace for myself and others.

Grace, Peace, Blessings, and all my Love,

Margaret