What’s the Point?

Yesterday afternoon, I picked up a package from my front porch, opened it, and unearthed a pale almost lavender pink fuzzy pullover with cream trim. The article of clothing while not expensive was not a necessity. So what was the point of the purchase?

As materialistic as it is and I could take this train of thought way down the spiral to shame myself for the purchase—the point was that it brought me a spark of delight. When I was online, looking at a favorite blogger’s photos from years ago she had one nearly identical on and I thought to myself “I want one of those to wear to my yoga classes.” A quick google search and now a dupe is neatly folded in my closet and I intend on matching it to my yoga set to wear to my next class (however, she is first being worn to my nail appointment).

Will and I are in the midst of a swirling season of fundamental change. We have shifted as a family, with him experiencing it as an individual, the transition from resident physician to attending physician; uprooted our lives moving from the state we have been permanent residents of for all our life to follow his call; moved away from family and friends; left jobs (and for me, a call) that have seen us through the beginning years of our marriage and careers. We have now bought a home, become residents of a different state, are trying to figure out collectively and individually how we take up space and create a home here and now.

Leaving my call as a hospital chaplain has challenged me in so many of the ways I anticipated and quite a few ways that have been unexpected. Recently I have been asking myself the question, “what is the point?” Over and over—to small questions such as “What is the point of doing my makeup?” to the big, existential questions “What is the point of my calling to ministry if I am not active in a call?” With every question and theme in between.

My responses have ranged from grace-filled, thoughtful, kind words of encouragement to rage-filled, self critical words of doubt and shame. No one can really ever express just how difficult big transitions in life can be or prepare us for the reactions we will have. The original answer to some of these questions has since changed—the purpose or intention behind my actions have shifted into something healthier, pointing me to a more well and gentle way of being.

For example, “What is the point of working out?” If you had asked me this back in August the answer would have been riddled with a sense of harshness:“Well, to lose weight and get out of the house.”

Thankfully, four months later, the more life-giving and sustainable answer is: "It helps me manage my stress, my plantar fasciitis hurts less when I do lots of yoga, people are nice there and its fun to chat with them, I love fun workout clothes I actually get to use, I physically feel better, I am reminded I am strong, and I am learning over and over that I show up differently every single day and what was easy the day before might be harder the day after and that it is okay, it is teaching me patience and grace with my body and my mind.”

I go to my workout studio—motivated by that list of things above and without judgement allow the point of buying a fuzzy pink jacket to be “to match my yoga pants and stay warm while doing it.”

Shaming myself is not getting me anywhere.

The first few times I asked myself “what is the point?” the question came out judgmental and from a somewhat defeated and certainly lonely place. When you are in the midst of so much change, are lost, unsure, and insecure—things might seem pointless. However, sticking with the question, let receiving no answer be an actual answer, and approaching myself with curiosity rather than judgment—the point becomes clearer.

I keep discovering that the answer is so often, “it makes me feel like me” or “it brings me closer to who I am.” It is the answer to the small questions like why I put on makeup and get dressed even if I am not leaving the house (LOL this doesn’t happen every day but I am working on it). It is the answer to the big questions like: what is the point of keeping up my Board Certification for Professional Chaplaincy or what is the point of me being a pastor?

At the end of the day, these are things that make me feel most like myself and I cannot imagine who I am without pursuing all these big and small things that I love, that draw me closer and closer to myself and the One who created and called me.

Answering a call to ministry I still grapple with, am still plagued with insecurities by and so often feel woefully inappropriate for, with my love of all things pink, my desire for barbie blonde hair, jewelry loving, clothes shopping self, with perfectly manicured nails brings me back to this simple truth—perhaps the loving, kind, gracious God that I believe in can use me just as I am. Maybe the point is this: God created me, called me beloved, knows me and knows all the things I love (big and small, magical and sassy, pink and sparkly, shiny and even at times expensive) and still looks at me and says, “I could use you just as you are—will you follow?”

To quote my favorite hymn, “Here I am, Lord. Is it I Lord? I have heard you calling in the night. I will go Lord, if you lead me. I will hold your people in my heart.”

Grace and Peace to you all.

P.S: Challenging myself with “what is the point?” or “why do I want this?” has also encouraged me to pause and reflect on my consumption and why I might want to purchase things. Teaching me to be more intentional with my consumption and encouraging me to “shop my own closet” and to buy pieces of clothing and home decor that can last for ages.