Anxious Energy
I have been walking around for the past few weeks with an anxious creative energy clinging to me. I wake up in the morning with all the good intentions of doing the things that I know will make me more myself: journaling, praying, reading, writing. The alarm rings, I startle awake, roll over, stumble with the phone, press “stop,” promptly open Instagram, and scroll for the next forty-five minutes. Eventually, when the guilt of lying around doing nothing becomes too much to bear, I drag myself out of the bed and begin my morning routine, far later than expected. I go to my kitchen area and begin to boil the water for my tea and sit down in my morning chair. I attempt to journal and go through my devotions with the hope of writing but my phone issues a siren’s call and I end up avoiding the hard and faithful work I know I am called to do.
For weeks, this has been my routine; I have walked around in a daze, carrying this anxious energy around me like a cloak. I know what will ease this anxiety, what will make me feel better, what will bring me home to myself and yet, I keep avoiding it. I keep wasting my time, wasting hours, doing nothing of importance and substance. This morning, I woke up with the intention of rectifying the situation and still I found myself scrolling, avoiding that hard and faithful work of engaging God and inviting God into this life of mine.
A lot has happened over the past few weeks; things that have demanded my attention, alerting me to God’s handiwork in my life. The Spirit’s mischief has left me with a lot to think about and process—but I don’t do it. I keep running away, hoping that if I run fast enough I won’t have to confront the complicating feelings and thoughts. All I am left with is a sickening sense of dread, unrest, anxiety, and the sense of being untethered.
Fear has its nasty hand upon me and my heart; guiding me away from the One who can bring peace out of the chaos. I am afraid of what God is up to and the fear has me running in the other direction—the faster I try to run the further I seem to get and yet, no peace comes. I simply run head first into more fear, more anxiety, more unrest. So, I must stop my feet, slow my ragged breath, and allow myself to be exactly where I find myself. I need to turn to God and face the storm that is brewing in my heart and life. The storm is not here to destroy but is here to upturn and transform.
I have always enjoyed a good thunderstorm. The sky slowly blackens, the winds pick up, the air becomes heavy with the weight of unshed rain, the thunder begins to roll, the lightening illuminates the sky, and all at once the clouds burst open bleeding water down onto the earth. There is a sense of cleansing in a storm--like the heavens have bottled up their emotions for too long and need the deep release of an emotional breakdown. A storm is brewing in my life, not in a negative sense, but rather in the cleansing sense. A storm is blowing through my heart and life, not coming to destroy, but to upturn all my carefully crafted ideas and plans. To flip them on top of their heads and cause me to rethink and open my mind, heart, and hands to the One who can calm any and all storms.
Here is to the journey we all find ourselves on! May the God of peace be with you as you navigate your way through the storms in your own life.
Peace, blessings, and all my love,
Margaret