Journey to Self Love

I have wondered if I should share this. I have gone back and forth of pondering whether or not I should reveal my shadow side--the side of me that haunts me and is full of dark secrets. I have wondered and I have clicked back and forth between a word document and here and I have decided that I need to be brave; I need to be brave so that others might know they are not alone, I need to be brave so that I can be a voice for those who might be afraid to use theirs, and I need to be brave so that I can heal and writing is one way that I heal. Yes, I have wondered whether I should make myself this vulnerable but the thing is, I don't want to keep it locked up inside and I don't want anyone else to feel as if they are alone.

I have learned time and time again that avoiding the things that cause heartache only makes the pain and suffering worse. So, here I am, revealing my deepest secret, something I have alluded to but never fully admitted--I struggle with a sense of deep self-loathing, even now I don't want to call it what it really is, self-hatred. Self-hatred just seems too rough, too raw, to hateful. So, it is easier to dress it up and tone it down with with self-loathing. But there it is--the ugly, deep rooted thing I struggle with. There is something, some lie I believe is truth that is rooted way down inside me that causes me to be incredibly unkind to myself, that causes me to look towards others for my validation and permission to exist. I am not sure if you have ever felt this way but man, it is awful. To live by my insecurities and the dark belief that I am not and never will be enough is a truly heartbreaking existence.

I think one of the worst parts of this self-hatred is the way it makes me to talk to myself. The things that I have said to myself are things I would never say about another person and yet I say them over and over to myself. I don't believe this is the life God has called me to. I don't believe this is the type of existence that I am meant to be living.

The self-hatred has caused me to live by my insecurities, to compare myself to others, and to think I will never measure up. Living this way has caused me to not just be hateful to myself but to be hateful towards others and to become a woman I am not interested in being. I don't want to be the type of woman that has to tear down others in order to build herself up. I want to be the type of woman who builds others up and who loves with a great big kind of love. I don't want to be a hypocrite.

Last night, Will and I had a talk about the self-hatred and he revealed how heartbreaking it was for him to witness me being so cruel to myself, over and over. Here is the thing, I had no clue it was breaking his heart. I had no idea that the cruel things I said to myself were causing slices in his heart. I guess I have become so accustomed to the harmful phrases and beliefs that I don't recognize the damage I am inflicting. But our conversation opened up a pathway for me to face the self-loathing head on, for me to talk about the pain that I feel and the heartache that I am causing for myself and Will. I think it opened up a way of healing.

The journey is going to be long and it is not going to be easy. To unlearn the negative and hateful lies and to rewrite a new narrative is not easy. Self-loathing has become the norm I have lived by for so long that it is hard to imagine any other way of being. Yet, I know that I do not have to make this journey alone. Just like I had my healers during my depression, I know that I have them now. I want to be clear--I am healthy, I am working on taking care of myself well, I am seeing a counselor, I am talking about this dark secret with loved ones--I am not facing this alone. One lesson I have consistently learned throughout this thing called life is that community is important. We were not created to do this life alone and thank God for that. Our communities can help us navigate some of the most difficult seasons and celebrate some of the most wonderful seasons and walk with us through all the moments in between. I couldn't have made it through this life without the communities God has brought into my life.

Admitting my self-hatred is not easy; a big part of me wants to lock it up and keep it hidden away somewhere I can easily ignore it--but that is not the way to true healing. I wanted to admit this here, in words, on my blog because I want to be the type of person that is honest. I want to assure those of you who have ever felt this way that you are not alone, that the self-hatred does not get the final say, that you matter, that you are loved, you deserve to love yourself, and that you deserve healing. I pray that if you have ever struggled with these feelings that you seek out help from a professional and your people. Let the love in, let it sink into your soul, and let it nourish you, let it help you give love to yourself. And please, please, please be gentle with yourself.

So, here I am, showing up, admitting the nasty secret I want to avoid and taking the first few steps onto the self-love journey.

Grace, peace, blessings, and so much love,

Margaret