Inspiration

I have been working on a larger project and it is quite far along; which is scary to admit. The time, the effort, the life that is in this work shocks me. It possesses a lot of my heart, honesty, secrets, my faith and I am not sure what will become of it. So, I have taken some time away from it, letting the fear weave itself into my heart and the words of self-doubt keep me from doing the thing that makes me most myself and come alive, writing. I have been tinkering along here and there, adding a few new pieces but nothing like I would like to be contributing.

The fear has made me pause and is stunting my creative energy, it is doing what is does best, whispering lies that I often believe. My dear friend and writing coach suggested I write something for fun--so, here I am back to where it all began. I tend to come back to my virtual home when I am feeling lost and uninspired, somehow the words just seem to flow when I am here and goodness I am thankful for that. I am thankful for this place where I learned I had a voice and I had faith. It may be small and nothing too grand but it is mine and I am thankful.

Coming home to The Versatile Girl gives me courage to go back to a blank word document and spill my guts. There is a familiar rhythm to The Versatile Girl, I write, I pray, I publish, and I share. I get to be my most authentic self here in this place and sometimes when I reread the things I have written I am actually shocked that it was me who wrote them. Writing is a labor of deep love for me. It binds me together and stitches all my broken pieces together, it brings me home to myself and to God--it is what makes me feel most alive. Thank you to any and all who have ever read words I have written, you will never know how much that means to me.

Lately, I have been feeling a bit out of it, out of sync with myself and with this life I am living. Seminary is hard and it has this distinct way of breaking your heart and leaving you floundering. I have been wandering lately, a bit lost and a bit scared as I have been deeply discerning my call. I am getting bolder and bolder--willing to admit what I feel called to and what I know just isn't quite right for me. Calls are not one size fits all and I am learning time and time again that they aren't always for forever; they have a life of their own and they come to you at just the right moment and they take a one form and then morph into another and then sometimes they disappear all together, to make room for the next call. It is all part of God's divine and lovely mysteriousness and mischievousness.

I keep relearning that I have to be honest. I have to be honest with myself and to God. I have to come back to the kitchen table (in a sense) and sit down and share my guts, it is the only thing that I have learned works. I have to share it all, the good, the bad, the ugly, the scared, the beautiful. I have to make it known to God and myself, because in reality, God usually says "Thank you for sharing and for getting honest with me; I already knew this but I am so glad you now realize it."

I am trying to live a little more faithfully, attempting to get back to a place where my trust is way bigger than my fear and it is hard. It is requiring more of me than I really want to give, but I keep showing up at that kitchen table, I keep pouring my guts out, and I keep taking one step at a time. Fear strips us down and tells us lies and it can cause us to get stuck. Faith requires us to listen hard out for the truth and believe it, it asks us to keep taking steps forward even if they are only wobbly, newborn deer steps--it asks us to keep going. So, this is me, taking some wobbly, newborn baby deer steps.

My friends, I don't have any clue if this post makes sense; but I do know it feels good to be back into a familiar rhythm. I hope you take big steps and baby wobbly steps. I hope you love deeply and dream big. May the peace of God be with you, wherever you are and wherever you are going.

All my heart,

Margaret