Reconnecting

I have spent the last few days in deep prayer and quiet time. It has been a crazy busy summer; a summer rich in learning experiences, love, trials, and challenges. As I so often describe experiences in my life--this summer has been beautifully difficult. Beautiful because of the ways God moves and knits people and stories together. Difficult in the ways that ministry is difficult, painfully stretching and pushing me to grow.As I have been growing, I have found that I am ragged, weary, and worn out--it is hard to find a healthy balance between work and quiet time. This is made even more difficult due to the nature of my work. My work is no longer history, no longer secular, my work is now rooted in prayerful considerations; everything I do is all designed to point to God and encourage others, as well as myself, to seek out God. However, I am unable to do my job well or healthily if I do not have a rich and meaningful private relationship with God.I have struggled with this for a while. It seems that too often the doubts, the worries, and especially the fear are wearing me down. It feels like I am unable to be my true authentic self because fear has me paralyzed. This is not the first time I have been frozen and paralyzed by fear, and frankly, the fear has an even stronger hold on me after my depression. For nearly a year, all I felt was fear, fear that plagued everything I did. My tendency to attain perfection got out of hand, along with my need to people please and I lost myself along with my relationship with God. It feels like every time God and I make progress something happens, my walls go up again, and I retreat back to old and very unhealthy habits.The root of this fear, is this twisted and warped belief that God might really not be good. Deep down inside my heart, past those thick walls that I have built, I know that God is good and that God is love. But what is it that makes me think God isn't good? Why do I constantly have this fear plaguing me?A couple of weeks ago, my aunt gave me a book entitled, Come Matter Here by Hannah Brencher and she gives words to describe this struggle perfectly. Hannah writes, "When it comes to God, I assume it must be over if there's been some distance. I assume everything we've built crumbled the minute I  wasn't looking. I know I am not the only person who has ever felt like God packed a suitcase in the middle of the night and hustled out of the picture." (Brechner, pp.115-116). This quote is exactly what I worry about. I believe, that no matter how strong my relationship with God is, as soon as I mess up and reveal that I am not worldly perfect then God is going to cast me out.I am thankful to find that I am not the only person who worries that God has just up and left--but it causes a lot of concern to find that this is a common thought process. I recently had to give a presentation for an adult Sunday school class regarding my call story. As I prepared the presentation and walked through memories from the last few years I was able to see so many places where God's hands have covered my life and my story, where God has provided, where God has loved me well, especially through people placed in my life during one of the darkest seasons.I have known for a while now that I need to dig in, to move out of my own way and allow God to move in, to recommit fully to God, to open up my closed off heart and to say "yes" to Love. It is so frightening to become vulnerable, but I am trying to be brave and work past that paralyzing fear, to believe again in the Truth--that God is good and loving and trustworthy.The past few days have been good for me, the quiet time I have spent journaling, reading, praying, and going for runs have done wonders for my soul. I am continuously amazed by the ways that God keeps providing and filling my life, heart, and soul time and time again. Reconnecting with the One who knows all of me has been so life-giving.I am not sure where you are in your journey, but I hope that you take a moment and dig into your heart and perhaps, reconnect with a Being much larger than yourself to help you through whatever season of life you are in the midst of.