In the Dark

There are moments, glimmers and seconds where I feel something being laid on my heart--but they are fleeting and if I am not quick to act they disappear. The desire to use those moments of inspiration are gone and then I end up doing the same thing that I was doing before--ignoring God, hiding and refusing to try. A dear friend advised me on Wednesday to simply blog about being unable to blog, so I took her advice and sat down and wrote, despite the fact that it felt like it took everything I had and was trudging through heavy sludge. I wrote and am now writing again. I have no clue if any of this is good but I am writing, trying to learn how to be faithful without feeling the presence of God.I am currently reading a book by Barbara Brown Taylor, Learning to Walk in the Dark, Taylor digs into the concept of darkness and dark times, a concept that we usually try to run and hide from. As humans we tend to avoid the darkness and the emotions or places we have determined dark, and by default labeled dangerous. But Taylor provides a look into the dark, both the physical dark and those "dark" emotions, and asserts that we cannot function without both light and dark. I am a person with many emotions, I have always been an emotional creature and I see my younger cousin act in similar ways as to how I acted when I was her age and even how I act now. I cry at anything, it can be happy or it can be sad--tears are a normal thing for me to shed. I have had my fair share of joy and my fair share of disappointment and heartache, I have also experienced depression (fortunately, with the help of my wonderful family, supportive friends and a counselor I came out from that depression). But I think within the society we live in and from what Taylor has said--we have labeled certain emotions as "dark" and have given them a time limit as to what is appropriate for you to feel. This is not a way for us to approach these emotions, sometimes you have to let yourself feel the feels, I personally have to be careful not to let them take control and push me down the rabbit hole but I am still allowed to feel them. Taylor talks about how the dark has opened up another way of receiving God: "I have learned things in the dark that I could never have learned in the light, things that have saved my life over and over again, so that there is really only one logical conclusion. I need darkness as much as I need light" (Taylor, Learning to Walk in the Dark, p. 5).We don't like talking about the dark and we don't like being in the dark, but there are times when it is unavoidable. I bought this book at Christmas, but it was recommended to me long before, I purchased it with the intent of reading it over break in an attempt of calming my fears of returning to St. Andrews after the spiritual warfare I had experienced. However, I did not manage to read it before my return, so I squeezed it into my bag and brought it with me. I figured at some point I would need to learn how to walk in the dark, that walking only in the light was impossible and I was right.There is an expression that I have used many times before, "I feel as if I am in the dark," meaning, I have no clue what is going on. That is exactly how I would describe my present circumstance, I am in the dark, I have no sense of direction, I am simply wandering and hoping that I will take the right steps to move forward. I am sure many of you are feeling this way right now, lost, confused and in the dark. All I can say is you are not alone, I am right here alongside you stumbling through the muck and mud hoping to find solid footing soon. It is scary, the dark makes me uncomfortable--but I think that I am where I am meant to be. I have been avoiding God, running and hiding and it finally got to a point that the other shoe dropped and I ended up in the dark, mostly due to my mindless running and hiding. Now I am in the midst of the dark and am not entirely sure how to get out but I don't think I am meant to get out. I think God is meeting me right here, right now in the dark, knowing I have no other option but to face him and turn to him. I never expected to sense a purpose for the darkness (other than to scare me) but I believe that I am experiencing some sort of healing. I am allowing myself to feel the feels, the darkness is not comfortable but I have to learn to meet God outside of the light. I am reminding myself that all circumstances come together for good (Romans 8:28).Taylor says that step one of learning to walk in the dark is "to give up running the show" (Taylor, Learning to Walk in the Dark, 15). I am tired of trying to grasp control. My dear friend told me, a few months ago, that she felt as if God was telling her "open hands." I think that God used her to tell me the same thing: open hands to receive what God wants me to receive, open hands for God to take what God needs to take away and open hands for what needs to remain to remain. Ultimately, I know and deep down I do trust that God wants to give me the best, and maybe the best is not what I have in mind. At this point I am so confused and I am too tired to run anymore, too tired to fight against it anymore--it is time to "give up running the show" (Taylor, Learning to Walk in the Dark, 15) and to let God have rightful control.My sisters and brothers, I hope that God meets you right where you are whether you are in the dark or the light. Keep moving, no matter where you are, just keep moving forward. Tomorrow the season of Lent ends for us and we will celebrate the tomb's emptiness and rejoice for he has risen! And maybe I won't be in the light personally tomorrow, but I will rejoice for Christ will have risen--and I know that we will get through this difficult spot and our relationship will be even stronger.May the peace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with you all. Peace, Joy, Love, Blessings and a Happy Easter--Margaret