Becoming Human
Yesterday, I felt it. I felt the same exhaustion, anxiety, and overwhelm that I was feeling Wednesday of last week. All I could think was "I have been doing everything I need to do to care for myself." I have committed this last week to running at least five times, sleeping, eating well, journaling as much as I can, spending time with others, and keeping my house clean and organized. Monday through Wednesday--I felt great and could tell my efforts were paying off. Then Thursday hit, and my energy turned sour.
Yesterday, schools in the Georgia area were announced closed, I heard from my own school about new policies being implemented, college campuses have been evacuated, travel bans have been issued, and stores are being emptied of supplies as people make a mad dash to grab all the toilet paper, cleaning products, and food. It is an anxious time. I also spent my morning at the hospital offering pastoral care and then heard of some saddening family news. It makes sense that by the time I made it home, I was drained, exhausted, anxious, and unsure.
I didn't know what to do, I felt myself slipping into one of my spirals, and I decided to take a nap. When I woke up from my nap, I sat on my couch and journaled. I prayed to God, I processed emotions, tried to get to the root of what was causing my distress, and wrote a list of things I am grateful for. Then, I put my running shoes on, and got outside--feet to the ground. By the time I finished my run, I felt human again. I felt like myself--the sun was shining, my body is able to run, and I had plans to watch hallmark with a good friend of mine.
The thing is, the world is a scary place; the career I am pursuing is going to require me to give a lot of myself and hold other people's stuff; and the world is a beautiful place, where pink exists, and the sun still shines, flowers bloom, babies are born, people fall in love, and people are kind to one another. If I only focus on the heavy stuff, the scary stuff--I risk missing the beauty that is still very much present in this world. I am not ignoring the heavy stuff, I am not pretending it is all sunshine, unicorns, and rainbows. No, what I am choosing to do, is acknowledge, enter, and love through the mess. I am there to hold people's hands, pray with them and for them, and acknowledge the dark and scary realities of grief, fear, anxiety, anger, hopelessness while also seeing the sunshine, flowers, and rainbows--clinging to the hope, love, grace, and faith.
This is why I have faith and I cling to it--I need to believe that there is a being much larger than myself so full of love, grace, peace, and strength that can hold this big, wide, scary, dark, beautiful, and full of light world with all its creatures. It would be easy for me to only see the fear, anxiety, and darkness--yet, it would not be good or healthy for me. There is still so much good in this world, so much beauty, and so much love--let us try and focus on those things too.
Friends, be gentle with yourselves. Look for the light, the sunshine, the unicorns, and the rainbows and share them with others when you discover them! Also, please, please, please--wash your hands. Take care of you--body, mind, and spirit.
Peace, Blessings, and all my Love,
Margaret