If I am Being Honest

Will gets quite frustrated when I use the phrase, "Well, if I am being honest." I do have to admit, I went through quite a phase where this was a primary phase in my language. Honest has just been a major theme for me recently. It is something I believe whole heartedly in and brutal honesty is something I am trying to implement in my relationship with myself and God. Thus leading to the repeated phrase, "if I am being honest."

I am learning how to be honest with myself, brutally so, about the things that scare me, excite me, set my soul on fire and all the things that make me feel anxious, unhappy and things I want to change. I am also learning how to implement that brutal form of honesty in my relationship with God. I have been working to share everything with God. I am taking all I have, the light bits and the dark bits and saying, "here, can we work on this together?"

I am seeking out a faith that is messy, where my stuff is scattered across the table and God and I sort through it together. If I am being honest (see what I did there?), I don't want a faith that is any other way. It can be incredibly scary to be brutally honest, to face the thoughts, fears, excitements, and the downright difficult emotions that weave themselves throughout our beings. Yet, I take heart in the knowledge that God already knows what is going on--the brutally honest bit opens me up to God, opens up a conversation we share that will strengthen our relationship.

I have found that we want to present our best selves, just take a look at instagram. We only want the world to see our best, most perfect selves and that tends, at least in my case, to slip into my relationship with God. Suddenly, the relationship that is meant to be most freeing becomes the most confining--worldly expectations of perfection being imposed upon it.

I get frightened to share my thoughts, hopes and dreams with God because I am trying to be the perfectly obedient child. I am starting to wonder if it goes against what I am supposed to be doing; allowing the hopes, dreams, and thoughts to be a rich base for our relationship--conversation topics, things that build authentic relationship.

Lately, I have had to get brutally honest with myself and with God. I have had to stop ignoring things that kept cropping up, stop pushing them under the surface and instead confront them head long and reveal to God my honest thoughts and feelings. It isn't easy, but it isn't meant to be easy. Being honest with someone we love, especially when it is God, is hard and daunting. Yet, I feel more peaceful and hopeful than I have in ages. Thanks be to God.

Friends, I get it, it is hard to be honest with God and with ourselves but I am finding freedom in it. I hope and pray that you realize that your beautifully messy and honest self is all that you need to be. There is truly freedom in it.

Grace, Peace, and all my Heart,

Margaret