Alive

I want to feel life pulsing through my veins, to feel my heartbeat beating in my chest, to taste the richness that is the gift of living and breathing, to run, jump, and dance into each moment of this life. This is my goal.My Lenten practice this year was radical self-love and guilt free self- care. These two phrases have become quite trendy lately; often associated with spending too much money on things one might not necessarily need or encouraging a practice that is not particularly healthy. Although, these practices, self-care in particular, have gotten the reputation as shallow, they are practices that are essential to living well, tending to God's good creation (yourself), and being able to care for others. Someone I know said it perfectly: "Things that bring life." That is exactly what I am on the hunt for.I constantly feel like I am running my wheels, trying to accomplish just one more thing, attempting to do everything and be please everyone--a nasty habit I have acquired throughout life and one which grew out of control during my depression. If I am not careful, my desire to please everyone and perfect things will run my life and leave me exhausted, cranky, and frightened. When I fall back into this frantic mad-dash, I go back to a time and space that scares me; self-care and self-love are no longer optional, they are necessary.So what does self-care and self-love look like for me?Well, it looks like getting a proper night's sleep--friends make fun of me because I am in my pajamas by 9:30 and am heading to bed by 10! They may laugh, but the reality is, I have suffered from poor sleeping habits for too long. I remember during my first masters the many nightmares and nights that I couldn't sleep. Even now, I still have periods where I suffer from vivid dreams that cause me to toss and turn. So sleep and a nightly routine have become essential to my wellbeing. (I also go to sleep early in the hopes that I might wake up super early the next morning and discover I am a morning person!)I have started to workout again. Three years ago, the summer I graduated college and was about to move abroad, I began going to spin classes and I discovered that the best version of myself was an active Margaret. I have been active on and off since then, but during the past season I stopped and my couch won. So I have made a concentrated effort to begin working out again, to go for walks, to run, to go to spin classes and pilates. I have come to love the scent of sweat that clings to me after I have worked out, to me, it has become the scent of life; a life well lived and well exercised.I cook! While living in Scotland, I learned how to cook and I discovered that I loved it. Self-care and self-love looks like feeding my body well, eating fresh food, creating meal combinations, and trying new recipes. (If you follow me on Instagram you will have noticed that I post a whole lot of food pictures on Instastory.) Cooking gets me excited, I look forward to finding new recipes, tweaking them for my preferences, going grocery shopping, preparing the meal, and sharing it with others. Feeding myself well makes me feel alive, it gives me life, brings me back to a central aspect of my call and I am so thankful.I read and am beginning to write again. Shauna Niequest has been one of the leading ladies in my life recently. Her words of wisdom, support, and brutal honesty have carried me through a dark season of life and pushed me to look for the beauty in the world. I am thankful for all of her books and am currently rereading one. Her work has also gotten me back into writing and writing has pushed me to take the journey my way down deep into my heart. I am taking risks and working towards true confidence every time I sit down to write and click publish--but I can feel the good it is doing for my heart.I mentioned above that I constantly hope to become a morning person, I am not sure it will ever happen, but heres to hoping! I have started to eat breakfast--I wouldn't eat breakfast regularly and it was rarely anything of substance. I am eating breakfast now, but I am not just eating breakfast, I am trying to have a slow morning routine. A routine that allows me to get out of the bed, turn my kettle on, pop my english muffin in the toaster and eat my breakfast next to my open window. I want to be a morning person so that my mornings are slow and leisurely, not rushed and frantic (which tends to be the case). I just want to savor that first cup of tea in my pjs, actually taste the breakfast I am consuming, and just dwell in peace before I am pushed out into the world. This morning routine rarely happens the way I envision it, but I am slowly making it more and more of a priority and paying attention to what it does for me as a person.I am still learning the art of caring for one's self properly--but I have begun the process. I am painfully learning to say no to things that aren't going to feed my soul and I am proudly learning to say yes to the things that give me life.My hope and prayer for you is that you take the leap into radical self-love and unapologetic self-care in your own life and you commit to tending to yourself. Ask yourself what are the things that give you life and let yourself lean into it--give yourself permission to be alive.Be kind to yourself, be gentle with yourself, and embrace yourself.Peace, joy, blessings, and love,Margaret