Happy Place

So I have done something this week that I have not done in a long time. I decided to do things to make me happy. I have been planning on doing honors research since the summer; my dream is to go to graduate school and continuing on to get a PhD in history and become a history professor. I have done a large research project before and though I was stressed I loved every single minute of it; the research and reading process then the writing process. However, I have had a rough semester, school work began to pile up and overwhelm me, and then life in general got in the way. Slowly, I became very unhappy, I would even say a tad depressed, and was wishing away my senior year of college. I hated my classes, learning had always been a passion of mine but all of a sudden something that I usually loved became something I dreaded. And as a person who wants to commit her life to a lot more school this was disheartening and I began to worry somewhere along the way I messed up. I had friends and loved ones very worried about me; I was becoming a shell of the person I normally am, so consumed with stress and anxiety that I was constantly miserable and tense. But those who love me and are close to me reminded me that there is more to life than just that constant anxiety and schoolwork. I had forgotten how to live and placed school-AKA my job- above the people who should be priorities.So this weekend when I was at home I had a breakdown. During that breakdown I realized that I am sick of trying to control my life, my plans were not working I wasn't going where I should be. So I cried and started to pray, asking God to show me what I should do, because I was making a mess of myself by trying to do things my way. And as I was drying my hair it hit me-I did not want to do Honors Research. I told my boyfriend and my mom and suddenly it became real, I was not going to do Honors Research. My heart instantly lightened and I was HAPPY. When I told my professor, he was so supportive and was actually proud of me for saying no, I do not want to do this. I felt relieved, like a million pounds had been lifted off my shoulders.And yesterday, as I was sitting in one of my history classes, I realized that the passion and love I felt for learning and history had come back. I know I want to be a history professor, I love it and I am good at it, I just don't need to force it.I went to Barnes N Noble and picked up a book for pleasure then made my way to the history section where I stood and browsed for an hour, compiling a list of all the books I would like to read. The passion had come back, and history was exciting again! I know what I want for Christmas, Barnes N Noble gift cards!I am beginning to realize there is so much more to life than work, whether it is a work place job or you are in school, there needs to be a balance. Living and enjoying life is important. I may forget this from time to time, but I have an incredible support system in place to remind me.