Spiraling

This past week has been truly awful. I found myself haunted by those same insecurity ghosts, I have questioned why I am here and I have been very distant from God. My life has been spiraling out of control. I have been trying to drive this car, trying to keep my life on the tracks, but I have failed and I have felt empty, defeated and exhausted. I have cried ugly tears this week, I have let myself believe that I am unworthy, stupid and not enough. I have fallen into that same old trap, the one that tempts me and preys on my deepest insecurities. BUT unlike too many times in the past, I have grabbed a hold of the one constant in my life. I have reached for the one person who I know will wash away all those lies and pull me from the dark pit of insecurity I have found myself in. I have turned to God.This morning I woke up anxious, stressed, insecure and scared. But I realized that yes, I have a lot of work I need to get done but something needs to come first. My relationship with God has been put on a backburner, I have half-heartedly seeked God out and I have been completely unfaithful to our relationship. I have played the control card, half-heartedly calling out to God but mainly just trying to do things alone. But I cannot keep doing this. That fear and loneliness I felt this morning was caused by nothing but me. I have declared I am too busy to go to the One who loves me with an unconditional love. I have betrayed the One who loves me the most. And my heart was feeling the pain that I was causing, my life was spiraling out of control and I had no one to blame but me. But how lucky I am that I worship a God who will continuously welcome me home with open arms, who only desires to give me his unconditional love.I was scared and I was tired, so obviously I did my best to avoid going to the One who gives me a home. I did the human thing and I ran, into the arms of people to distract myself, into the welcoming embrace of Netflix and away from the One person who can actually renew my soul and offer me the real solace that I desire. I know, I am a hypocrite, I often write about how we should be faithful to God, we should give God everything we have to offer but I am over here saying that I have run from God. But I am human, and I get scared of how much God loves me. I get scared because, as in many cases with humans, we don't fully trust that someone could love us--all of us, the good, the bad, the ugly and the failures that we often can be. I feel like I keep letting down God and become ashamed and scared to go to him and face him with the knowledge of what I have done. But the one thing I know about God is that God loves with an everlasting and steadfast love. One that nothing we do and one that no matter how far we run we can never escape.So today, despite the countless things I have to do, I sat down and I gave God the one thing he really wants, my time. I went into town, away from the distraction of my bed and Netflix and I sat at the table I am sitting at now, and journaled, prayed and did the many devotionals I have overlooked for the past month. I gave God my time, my attention and my heart. I have given God many hours out of my Saturday, hours that I could have used for my research for my next paper; but if I had given these hours to research rather than God, I would only be fueling the stress fire. Instead I have felt God reach into this unfaithful, broken and sinful human heart and I have felt God's love, joy and peace fill it to the brim. I have been filled with something that can only come from God. I have felt the light of life (John 8:12) once again light up my heart and renew my spirit.In this little coffee shop in the town of St. Andrews I have reconnected with my dearest and oldest friend and confidant. I have asked for forgiveness and I have asked for the one thing I desperately need, God's presence. This week my life spiraled out of my control and today in this coffee shop, I gave the control back to the person who can actually do something, God.Many people here, I am pretty sure, wonder how on earth I can believe in God. How I can have faith in God, especially in a world that is so anti-faith? I will tell you how, because I feel God. I know God is right here in my heart very much alive and at work in my life. I believe in God because God communicates to me in many ways but especially through my devotionals. Every single devotional I have read (and I have read a lot) today has dealt with circumstances and how circumstances do not define my disposition. My life, my heart and my identity are not defined by the circumstances I am in--my life, heart and identity are defined by my faith and trust in God. I believe in God because I can feel the work that God is doing on my heart, I can feel God's hand continuously stitching my heart together.God, actually just did something amazing. In this coffee shop I am sitting here, with my copy of Jesus Calling out on the table and my journal spread out in front of me, one of the young women I have seen who works here stopped. She stopped and asked me what I was studying and I soon discovered she is a Christian as well. I had literally just prayed to God for a community of faith, for people I can be open with about my faith and my love for God. And right here and right now, God answered that prayer. Using someone I have seen a few times but never met to remind me that he is here and he is faithful. This is why I believe in God, this is why I know that God is there because God proves to me continuously that he is faithful. That girl stopped and she gave me a gift, a reminder that God hears our prayers, answers them and that we are never alone.Genesis 28:15"Know that I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land; for I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you."And there it is, the verse that led me straight to Scotland and into this beautiful mess I am in. And maybe led me straight into this coffee shop. I am forever thankful, God continuously whispers this verse to my heart in the times of my deepest struggles, to remind me that he is with me everywhere I go and in every moment that I find myself in.So today, I have sat in this coffee shop for a few hours and I have felt the peace of the Lord. I have allowed my spirit to be renewed and hope back into my heart. I have tons of work hanging over my head but with God right here with me I know all things will come together for good (Romans 8: 28).Psalm 62:5-8"For God alone my soul waits in silence, for my hope is from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress, I shall not be shaken. On God rests my deliverance and my honor; my mighty rock, my refuge is on God. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us."I knew exactly what I needed today, I needed to stop running away and run straight into those welcoming arms of my savior. My spirit is renewed and I feel at home, for the first time in a long time.I hope that whatever path you are on today, that if your life is spiraling out of control that you stop running away and instead run towards God's outstretched arms. Let the peace of the Lord Jesus Christ surround you and calm your fears. Let God's love in and see just how wonderful God is.1 Peter 5:6-7"Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, so that he may exalt you in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him, becomes he cares for [and loves] you.