I have been unable to blog recently, you as readers most likely have seen the lack of posts–this is due to a severe lack of inspiration. I feel shut off, unmotivated, distanced , angry and homesick–just a few of many emotions that have been going on in my life lately. Yesterday, I received some not so great news, something happened that caused me to flashback to the very dark storm of last semester. Now I am trying to figure out how to avoid going back into the deep dark pit of that storm. These words are hard to write, because I am experiencing a severe spiritual block, one that leaves me questioning every word I write and makes everything a heck of a lot more difficult. This post is not going to be pretty and it might not have a happy ending today, but maybe in the midst of the week we are in, Holy Week, it somehow fits that I feel this way.
I am angry at God. I refuse to sugar coat it and if you are uncomfortable with those words I am sorry, but I am mad with God. I am not running away from him or turning my back against him but God is a person I love dearly but also a person who I am not happy with. For those of you who are uncomfortable with those word and who think that it is not acceptable for me to be mad with God let me ask you this “Have you ever been mad at someone you love dearly?” I do not approach God carefully, not anymore, God is someone I love dearly and someone who loves me dearly–a person who knows the good, the bad and the ugly (trust me there is plenty of ugly in there). There is no point in me hiding things from him, because God already knows me inside and out, I try to come as am: broken and jagged. So I don’t look at God like some scary deity who is going to strike me down–I look at Jesus as my Lord and Savior, as a person who loves me despite the evil in me and I approach him as a dear friend, parent and a Savior. I approach my relationship with God in my broken human way. I fail to trust, I get scared, I avoid contacting God, I come when I need something, I try to be faithful and loyal, I attempt to listen but I am not perfect and so I fail all the time. And yes, I even I get angry with God.
Now I am sure you are wondering why I am angry with God? What could have happened? Well honestly I am not only angry at God but I am angry at myself, I should have been trying to reach out and to develop the relationship but I have found St. Andrews to be one of the most difficult places to do that. Last semester I experienced spiritual warfare, this warfare left me hindered, vulnerable and scared. I was miserable and I truly questioned whether or not I wanted to come back to St. Andrews. Then over Christmas I dug into my relationship with God, I talked to him and I received my second Scotland call, you have to return, you have to go back. I had to be brave and I had to come back, getting on the plane in September was hard but getting on that plane in January was a type of difficult I have never known before. I had one prayer I kept praying over and over “meet me there God, I can’t experience another semester without you.” I have stopped saying that prayer, that is on me, I started to try and control things and left God out, and that is on me. I am clearly in the wrong, and most likely a lot of this is my fault but I just said I was angry with God–not that it was rational.
I feel disconnected, lost, scared, vulnerable with no sense of direction. I have no clue what God wants from me and I can’t hear him. If I could I would jump on the first plane back home, where it is safe, comforting and where I have more of a chance at hearing God (most likely he would tell me to get my butt back on a plane and go back to Scotland). But I have no plane ticket, purchasing one is not an option and ultimately I know that running won’t change anything and that staying is my best option.
Although, I would prefer to not have these feelings, to not feel as if I have been led to Scotland and then just dropped here. I have no sense of direction and it feels as if everything is crumbling around me. In the midst of these emotions came the most fitting image, an image of my Savior hanging on a cross crying the words:
“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46).
Now I know and we all know that God had not forsaken Jesus and we know that Jesus was also fully God in that moment. But the reality is, Jesus was experiencing the humanness of feeling lost and alone, the emotions I am feeling on a much smaller scale. I have no clue where God is, I don’t know where he is or what he wants me to do, the connection is bad here and I don’t really put the work into our relationship like I should. Regardless of the circumstances, I am not the only human who has ever felt this way. As a dear friend told me, I just need to tie a knot and hold on. So that is what I am going to do. God blessed me with a iron strength deep inside, and anytime I get knocked down I get back up. Life keeps swinging but I have learned you just have to push yourself up, dust off your hands and swing back. So I am tying my knot and praying that I can hold on, that I can keep on swinging, that God will come through with his promises.
So maybe this post was a bit dark and a bit sad, but we are still in the season of Lent. Tomorrow my Savior will hang from a cross and utter those defeated words, but on the third day he will rise again, he will be triumphant. Easter is coming, the joy will return, but first the darkness must occur.
May the Peace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with you all. May you see the light that is coming, but recognize the suffering Jesus endured on our behalf. Brothers and sisters, the darkness is settling amongst us, but the third day is coming–He will be Triumphant.
Peace, Joy, Love and Blessings–Margaret