I am scared, actually terrified. It has come down to about a month before I leave to go to a school an ocean away. Away from my family, away from my friends away from all that is comfortable. I know no one in Scotland–I am not even really sure if I will like their food. I was the girl at summer camp who cried–a lot– because she was homesick and missed her mom. I was never the brave one, the one who could make friends and talk to anyone, I was never the one who seemed to thrive anywhere–especially far away from home; no that was never me, that was Fleetwood, my brother. My brother has always been someone I admire, though I hated always being known as “Fleetwood’s little sister” in high school and sometimes even now at 22. But I took a page from my brother’s book when I went to PC, I told myself I would have to get out of my shell and make myself be more outgoing. Fortunately, PC was God’s special place for me to grow into my wings. I was challenged, I was pushed, I was taught, I developed, I grew strong, I loved i fought battles and I slowly but surely sprouted wings. By the time I graduated, just a few short moths ago, I had become a full fledged butterfly.
But this butterfly is scared. Though I have tested my wings a little here and there this summer I have fluttered close to home. I have been working out, strengthening my wings. I have been strengthening my self confidence, I have been strengthening my faith and I have been strengthening important relationships–my relationship with God and my relationship with myself. I am learning to trust my wings and trust the One who has given me these wings. And now it is coming time to actually have to use these wings and I am scared. A lot of “what ifs” will crowd in my head at times. What if you fall? What if you aren’t strong enough? What if I get there and I don’t make friends? What if I fail? Fear has a way of drowning your rational voice and more importantly the calming voice of God.
Despite my fear, I have a deep, sure, steadfast feeling that I am on the right path. Yes, I am going to be away from my support group, but thankfully technology has shrunk the world. But I think God is calling me out of my comfort zone. This is a flight of faith. One where I can no longer base my life on those around me, I am fully forced to depend on God. I no longer will be able to depend on my friends and family here. I am jumping off the cliff and praying and trusting that God will grant me with the gift of flight, that my wings will be able to flap and I will be able to fly. I have read a couple of books by two different women who both use the terminology of depending completely on God. They both speak of situations that God has led them to and they were, and continue, to be tried and tested and forced to turn only to God. That is what Scotland is going to be for me, a test of trust.
Mandy Hale, states in her book I’ve Never Been to Vegas but My Luggage Has, “And here’s the thing I was learning:what you are most afraid of is probably holding the key to your destiny” (164). These words penetrated my heart because back in April I remember telling multiple people that I was going to Scotland to find my destiny. I do not know what I am going to find there, but I am excited to grow and develop further into Margaret. I am excited to see what God has in store for me. Today at church the pastor preached about deciphering what God’s call is for us. I am not sure of much, I am not sure how God will manage to neatly tie up the ends and make everything in my life come together, but I know God will make it happen. I don’t know what my destiny is but I know that God is calling my heart to Scotland. And I know that I refuse to allow my fear stop me from answering God’s call.
I am learning to trust God and trust in the plans that the Lord has made for me. I know a lot of people who are in similar situations as I, and I know that they are just as scared and anxious as I am. Jeremiah 29:11 seems to offer the best consolation:
“For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope.”
God has beautiful plans for us, especially when we are standing on the edge of a cliff, that requires a leap of faith. But we are assured that God knows the plans for us, for our welfare not harm. God is offering us a future one full of hope–will you be willing to take the risk and accept it? Are you willing to test your wings? Are you willing to take a flight of faith? It will not be easy, but it will be worth it.
May the peace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with you all.