Monthly Archives

October 2015

0 In Blog

Finding Yourself

Last weekend I was watching the movie Sabrina, the original has Audrey Hepburn and Humphrey Bogart, but there is a remake of the movie from 1995 with Harrison Ford, which is the one I watched. If you haven’t seen this movie I suggest you find it and watch it; it has been at the top of my list of favorite movies for a few years now. (The remake from 1995 is on Netflix). Why you might ask is this my favorite movie and what is its significance to my life now?

For those of you who have never seen it the background is as follows: Sabrina is the daughter of a chauffeur to a very wealthy family, she is a shy and awkward girl who is in love with the youngest son of the family her father works for–but he has no clue she exists. We are introduced to her on the eve of her departure for Paris, in the original she is going to culinary school to become a chef and in the remake she is going to work for Vogue. As you might have already guessed, this is the story of a girl who is spreading her wings and developing into a sophisticated young woman. When she returns home from Paris, she is older, more mature and stunningly sophisticated. As I prepared to leave for Scotland my mom and I joked that this would be me.

And as I go onto social media and see everyone preparing to go “home” to PC for homecoming I can’t help but look at myself and who I have become in the last few months. It is hard to believe it has already been a year since my senior year homecoming, it is almost impossible for me to believe that I have been graduated for almost half a year and it is absolutely insane to think that I am making a home for my heart in Scotland. And to be one hundred percent honest, I am glad that I am not going to my second home, PC (my family and Charleston will always be my first home). I am glad that I don’t have that option this year, I think that this is a gift from a God who knows his daughter too well who knows her complete heart and all the feelings that reside there. I don’t feel that I am far enough away from PC, from the ghosts of insecurities that remain there and that can still haunt me when I go back, I have not completely developed and to go back and have to leave again–just might hurt too much. So I need time from the place that I love so much, the place that strengthened me, the place that taught me that I can fly. So much of the past year of my life is wrapped up into that small town of Clinton and on that quiet and very green campus of PC. But I am trekking onwards into some new and distant land, carrying with me all the tools that I was taught and continually loving and remaining in contact with some of the most amazing people. I think of PC as a home that my heart misses dearly and cherishes more than anyone could know. But I am making a home for my heart here in Scotland, I am making myself a home in this temple that God blessed me with and I am loving people I never knew existed, much less, that I would meet them.

I guess in the words of Sabrina “I am finding myself.” I am finding myself in every trial I face, whether that is: learning to feed myself, take care of myself, to put myself out there in a class where I know nothing about the subject, conquering homesickness, or professing my faith. I am finding myself and I am learning that I really love this woman I am becoming. She is scared, a little insecure BUT she is learning to be brave, to believe in herself and to TRUST her God and is trying to remember to invite him into this new life she is living (sadly I haven’t been as faithful as I have wanted to be, but I am learning). I have also found she is more positive, quicker to laugh and far more willing to jump.

So I am not quite ready to return to PC, I need a little bit more time to grow into this new woman that Scotland has introduced me to. I am not far enough away from that little insecure girl I was only a few short months ago, but when I am ready I am going to go back to PC and those ghosts of insecurity won’t haunt me–because I will know that I have found the real Margaret, the one I always hoped I would be and the one I am slowly becoming.

Ecclesiastes 3:11

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.”

From a woman who is “finding herself” love life, love people, do not be afraid to live boldly in this life, do not be afraid to admit that your insecurities still haunt you BUT always refuse to let them win. This life is a struggle but a beautiful one, and God always makes everything beautiful in its time–and you my dears are already beautiful but being made even more so day by day.

To my friends that are going to be at homecoming this weekend, give PC a little extra love from me.

“I found myself in Paris” –Sabrina
“I am finding myself in Scotland” –Margaret

May the peace and the joy of the Lord Jesus Christ be with you all.

1 In Blog

I Forgot

The last two weeks have been a roller coaster of up and down emotions. I was on a top of the world high and then dropped down to a low pit of stress. I kept telling myself and others that I can’t do this; I questioned my ability to get my work done, I questioned my intelligence, I questioned my worth and I compared myself to other people. I basically did everything that I worked so hard this summer to stop doing.

I forgot everything that is truly important. I forgot all the lessons I learned this past summer. I forgot to trust God. I forgot why I was here. I forgot who brought me here. I forgot who is with me on this journey. I forgot who I am. I forgot the ground of faith that I have worked hard to build my life on. I forgot that I want to teach. I forgot that I love research. I forgot I love the hunt for the “golden source.” I forgot that God instilled in me a love of books, history and research. I forgot that God equipped me to succeed on this path. I forgot to believe in myself. I forgot to take care of myself. I forgot I am not alone. I forgot that I cannot do this alone. I just forgot.

But then yesterday, I felt the peace of God and I remembered. I remembered why I came here, who led me here and who has made my path clear. I remembered that I was not alone. I remembered that I am here because this is step one to my ultimate goal–becoming a professor. I remembered that I want to teach. I remembered that I love to research and I love to write. I remembered that I could do this and that I enjoyed doing this. I remembered that God is faithful and will keep his promises. I remembered. And I felt something that I haven’t felt in too long, peace and joy.

I was so lost in the rabbit hole that I forgot the rock on which I stand. I let myself believe those negative thoughts: that I wasn’t good enough, that I was not smart enough, everyone else was better than me and that I couldn’t do this. But I can do this, I am good enough, I am smart enough and I cannot compare myself to others. I was making this God planned, unique and beautiful journey a competition of me against everyone else and was setting myself up as the automatic loser. I have a feeling that in some way, shape or form we all do this on some level. We make life out to be a competition between us and the rest of the world–but we have already declared ourselves the losers. We are not losers. We have to switch our mindsets, and remember it is not a competition. We are all on different paths and we are all bearing our own crosses. I have to start giving myself a break and stop expecting perfection. But I have to stop making myself the damsel in distress and allow myself to be the leading lady of my own life (The Holiday anyone??)

I cannot allow myself to forget that I am here for a reason. I got accepted into this school for a reason. I can do this work and I can and will succeed. I am not sure what God has in store for me here but I do know that God is present in every step I make. God led me here to bring me more fully into his plan for my life but I have to stop thrashing about or I will miss the beauty of the moment and I could risk missing the call.

I can’t make the promise that I won’t slip up and forget again. But maybe next time I forget it won’t take me as long to remember.

Matthew 7:24-27

“Everyone then who hears these words of mine and acts on them will be like a wise man who built his house on rock. The rain fell, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on rock. And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not act on them will be like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell–and great was its fall!”

Despite the fact that I forgot, I see the damage that was done but I also, see what the damage the storm could have done. Though I forget and I lose my footing, I have worked hard to build my faith upon a rock. So I may have lost my footing and was close to being washed away by the storm, I wasn’t–and that is something to be thankful for. But even if I had been washed away, God’s hands would have reached into the sea and plucked me up and rescued me.

Hebrews 10:23

“Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who has promised is faithful.”

May the Peace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with you all.